Don't Promise Me Forever

So I had waited two years after my divorce before I dated someone. This someone somehow had broken through that wall. Just busted right through. I think it was because he wasn't completely available but what I needed at the time. After 5 months it was time for us to actually be together like do stuff and all that. He told me the usual that he loved me and couldn't wait to show me and blah blah blah. Well when push came to shove he was non existent. The only time he wanted me was when he was home alone and feeling all lonely and shit then it was convenient to have me around. I'm so tired of these motherfuckers who don't know what the fuck they want. You don't need to promise me forever. Don't tell me things just because you think that is what I need to hear. It makes it all the more worse. Your a horrible person in my eyes for leading me on in the first place claiming to feel a way that you don't. This is the number one reason I don't wanna bring any men around my kids because they so damn fickle how fucked up would it be to bring them around and then they leave. I'm only 26 years old but I feel like I'm 36. I'm tired. It will probably be another 2 years or longer before i date anyone again because I'm tired of the bullshit, lies, and false promises these fuckers make. What I want is a man who is all about family. Someone who wants to chill at home and watch my shows with me. Someone who will put in a relationship on their face book. Someone who proudly shows me off and claims meand tells everyone that i'm his girl. If i can't find that then I'm not settling. I'm always the one to compromise and be understanding and supportive and never get that in return. Not anymore. I'm done. I'm sure there are plenty of good guys out there but I have not found one and if I do he will have the patience to know that he will have to prove with his actions and not with his words. Words are shit. They don't mean a damn thing to me. Why is it all these guys don't know what they want? I know what I want. I want to settle down. I'm done partying I just wanna settle down and make a future with someone full of love and family. I just want someone to be there for me like I would be there for them. One day maybe I will find that, but I'm not looking for that one man anymore. I'm done. Don't promise me forever. Don't tell me what you want to do. All I ask is show me and prove to me. I wanna see actions. Actions speak louder than words.

Betsy is Bigger than Betty

There is something that has been bothering me lately. It's really common especially in women that have breastfed at one point. My left breast is larger than my right. I know TMI. Well i'm sorry it's bothering the crap out of me. It used to be slightly. My cleavage wouldn't be quite centered but since i've started losing weight it's extremely noticeable. I mean I was on the treadmil and I happen to look down and I was like HOLY SHIT. Even in a sports bra I can tell. The body is such a mysterious thing to me and only 3 years ago I had that perfect body. I woudn't of mind being in playboy but now after I've had kids. Damn they reak havoc on your body. If I was famous and had the money I would look like them famous bitches who look like they had surrogates for their babies. Men you really need to appreciate your moms and the mother's of your children because of everything we go through to have you and your babies for real. All yall gotta do is the fun stuff like making the baby. We are the ones that gotta have them bake in our oven for 9 months and then squeeze out a baby the size of a watermelon out our vag. Not to mention being ripped whole to whole. I like to see yall do that. I didn't have no small ass babies either. Mine were well done. They were 10 pounders baby. Thank god for anesthesioligists for real. I told the last one I had I loved him. Anyways I just wanted to share that frustration with yall. I mean what is up with that. When I loose weight the first place to go is my face. My face instantly slims down. Then it's my boobs. Which kind of sucks cause I love my big boobs. Then my ass which is great but i wish it didn't start by getting flatter haha. then finnaly my hips and thighs. I'm so ready to lose these ham hocks. You wont beleive how hard it is to find a decent pair of jeans. I fuss at my daddy all the time because it's his fault I have big thighs. So alot of people have already noticed my face and I've noticed my bust and everyone has noticed my shrinking lower body. It's all good. One day I will marry a doc or lawyer or someone with lots of money so I can get my porn star boobs and everything else I want done. I will have win them over with my southern charms and infectious laugh. HAHAHAAHAHAH yeah right I know. A girl can dream can't she. SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE FEMALES WITH LOPSIDED BOOBS I FEEL YOUR PAIN!!! Holla

My Greatest Fear About Going To The Gym

I'm ready to start my work out. I walk up to where all the machines are. I can smell sweat but it's not that stinky sweat smell. It's that new sweat smell full of pheromones you know. Maybe it's in my head. I scan the area. Can they tell that I'm not a regular? Are they judging me? It doesn't matter. I'm not here to look cute and it doesn't matter what they think I'm just here to get my sweat on. I never do the bikes It doesn't feel like working out to me. Too easy. It's either the elliptical or the treadmill. I think today is going to be a treadmill type of day. Unfortunately so it is for everyone else. There is one left though. OMG!!! It's right in between two really hot guys. O.k. Let's think about this. Do I really wanna make a fool of myself in front of them. I look at the elliptical and the last two just got taken. Treadmill it is. I don't pay the guys any attention. I'm shy believe it or not and usually run away or ignore or say something really dumb when a fine ass dude trys to holla. I know stupid right. Oh well what can I say I'm complicated.

So I step up on there. I check in on facebook on my phone because even though ain't nobody give a damn where I'm at I'm a facebook junky. I must document everything. After that I bring up my Pandora to listen to something upbeat. Something that is going to motivate the crap out of me. I usually start off with Kesha. I love her. I immediately start stepping it out. I'm silently mouthing out the words. My heart rate is going up. I'm sweating. I'm feeling really good. It's starting to burn in my legs. I'm moving effortlessly with the beat. I start to move my hips for that extra little something because my fave song is on. I'm bouncing with each step. I love to dance and It takes everything to keep from dancing on that treadmill. I need to be careful before I...OMG!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!

The most horribly embarrassing thing in the whole world that could possibly happen to me is happening. Time seems to slow down to add to my torment. I stepped wrong. Instant pain is shooting up from my ankle. I let out a cry as I'm slowly going down. My arms reach out trying to grab onto something. Anything to keep this from happening. I don't think I could ever show my face again if I don't stop this. But to no avail I cannot stop it. I'm going down. Hard too and as soon as I lost my footing and was falling I feel that I'm being shot back because I couldn't pull the emergency stop in time. The two hot guys rush to my side. Asking if I was alright. Helping me up. Everyone is staring at me. I tell them I'm fine and hurriedly grabbed my stuff and got the hell out of there.

No this did not really happen to me, but it is a huge fear every time I get on there. I would not be able to recover from that at all. I always seem to embarrass myself at anything I do. I laugh it off only because that's all I can do really. I remember one time while I was at Basic Training I had to do sit ups with this guy I thought was so cute. He had to hold my ankles. Well when I sat up I farted. He jumped up and was like " I'm not holding her ankles!! She is farting on me!!! Everyone was laughing their asses off while I just sat there. My Drill Sergeant of course made him keep holding my ankles and so he pulled his shirt covering his nose. I was like OMG like you have never farted before. I think I pretty much ruined all chances with that dude. But falling on the treadmill in front of a whole lot of people would be really embarrassing. I really hope that doesn't happen to me. I don't wanna have to go to a different gym.

A Better Mom

Sometimes I feel like the most horrible mom in the world. I look at other women who seem to have unlimited patience with their children. When Reggie has an especially little monster day, I have to stop and breath. He is so hard headed it blows my mind. I feel bad that I don't play with them enough. I get home from work and all I wanna do is feed them and turn on the t.v. Even when I'm off and I don't wanna do anything but sit around. It makes me feel so guilty. Today I went to McDonalds and got us grilled chicken salads for dinner and we watched some Spongebob. Then it was bath time so I scrubbed them down and let them play for awhile in the tub. Preston I could tell was getting sleepy. I dried them up and got them dressed then Reggie and Preston starts emptying out their toy bucket. It's so cute. Reggie gave me a truck and told me it was my car. I watched them take every one of their toys out of the tub. Then Preston climbed in. Too cute. Then I had them put all the toys they took out back. Reggie picked out the bed time story. It was one of those books that have different textures to touch for different animals. Preston did not like it at all. He didn't wanna touch anything. He acted like he was scared. Then I let Reggie read the book and I took Preston to put him to bed and he was holding onto me with all his might. He gives such great hugs. You just feel the love and it grows to where I feel like I can't even take it. It literally breaks my heart every time I have to let go. Then I tell Reggie it's time to get ready for bed so he gets his car and I cover him up with his blankets and I give him and his car a kiss goodnight. Reggie gives me lots of kisses and tells me he loves me everyday all the time. I tell him come give me some loving and he will let out a sigh and then he is like O.K. mommy. These moments make my heart just wanna burst. I just wanna do anything for them. I just want the world for them. I want them to know I love them more than there are stars in the galaxies. It blows my mind that I'm a mom and it scares me too because I want to make sure I'm a good mom. The days when I'm so tired from work or when my patience is thin kills me. One thing about working out has helped me have allot more energy for them. I just gotta take it one day at a time. I gotta remember to stop and appreciate my kids more. They wont be little forever. I mean Reggie is already jumping off of things and Preston is mimicking him. I can't believe they came out of me. I know I will never be a perfect mom but I know my boys will know their momma loves them more than anything in the world.

Lifestyle Change

So I have been dieting and exercising like a crazy person. I've joined this site called myfitnesspal.com because it had an app on my phone so I could track the exercise and everything I eat. It has helped a whole lot. On there they don't call it dieting or anything they prefer to call it a lifestyle change. I think that is appropriate because after I lose the weight the real trick would be to keep it off. People think I'm pushing myself to hard at the gym and I'm not eating which is not true at all. I eat. I love to eat I'm just careful about what goes into my mouth. The website help me look at food a whole other way. I look at food now and I'm like do I want all those calories. It's crazy. I have no idea where this sudden motivation came from. I woke up and I said when I get my tax money I'm going to see the diet doctor. After I dropped the money it took for me to jump start my "lifestyle change" I was like I will not have wasted my money. I'm going to stick with it. I have too. I've found that I don't have to have my afternoon naps anymore. I am more up beat and ready to go. My mood is even perkier if you can even imagine me perkier. I just feel good. I love clothes and dressing up and being overweight makes it really hard. I used to love shopping at aeropostle and american eagle and forever 21 but I couldn't after I gained the weight from having my two kids. Now I'm determined to go back to my favorites shops. I wanna look like the M.I.L.F that I feel like. My poor daddy. When I lose the weight I'm going to have everything hanging out again ha ha. He is going to be like you are a mom you can't be dressing like that. Oh well. After I lose the weight I'm going to save for a tummy tuck. Then when I marry a plastic surgeon I can get the porn star boobs I've always wanted ha ha. I say if your getting fake boobs why not go all the way. Until then I'm just going to continue to reach my short term goals until I finally reach my long term one and maintain. I'm trying to lose 50lbs and I've already lost 23lbs. YEY wish me luck

OMG ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!!

Here is another POF (Plenty Of Fish) story for ya. I really need to delete my profile because there is absolutely no hope online or anywhere for that matter. It's soooo frustrating. I keep trying to tell myself not all men are liars but they really make it hard for me. They really do. So my girlfriend has a profile on there too. Occasionally we get messages from the same guys. Well actually that happens allot. Sometimes I get messaged by a guy she has already been talking to. Well I got a message from a guy that she has been talking to. No one serious but she did at one time think of maybe pursuing something with him but she hadn't heard from him for like weeks then all of a sudden she got a text from him today. Then tonight I got a message from him on POF. I immediately tell my girlfriend and message the guy and I was like Hey your name is Shannon right? He was like yeah do I know you? I said no but you know my best friend. He was like who might that be. I said she is a redheaded smart ass. He said he knew allot of red heads. I'm like OMG are you seriously gonna act dumb whatever. He was like for real. I told him her name and he said he didn't know a girl by that name. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!! You have no idea how much that pissed me off. He didn't have to lie to me. I would appreciated it if he had more balls than to straight up lie to my face. Fucking dumbass. I said do not message me again I have zero tolerance for liars. He was like I'm sorry you feel that way have a good night. WHAT THE FUCK EVER LIAR!!! I bet he is one of those motherfuckers that lie all the time. They don't know how to be truthful because that is all they do. I really hate when  a dude lies about something soooo stupid and there really was no reason to lie at all. My ex husband use to do that. Just straight up lie to my face knowing that I know the truth. It kills me. Makes me wanna slap the shit out of someone. DO I LOOK THAT FUCKING DUMB YOU MUTHAFUCKA!!!! Really that's how that makes me feel. Like I look like a complete dumbass. You know what imma just have to be single for the rest of my life. Either that or be a lesbian. I don't think that's going to work. Maybe men should be kept like animals. We use them for breeding and entertainment but other than that they are herded up like cattle and only brought out when needed. Like when the trash needs to be taken out. Or when the car needs and oil change or washed. Or when there is a bug to kill. Shit like that. That's all they are good for. Daddy if you are reading this don't get all offended you are not in this category. You are daddy you are in a category all by yourself. All the decent dudes that are out there. And there are few of you out there you don't fall into this category either. So quit tripping but all you other motherfuckers know who you are. You do. Don't act like you don't. Yall ain't no good for nothing. You have no morals or values. Can't keep a job have no place of your own and not even a car. Don't take care of your kids and keep making new ones with dumbass girls who believe your lies. I'm just gonna have to to get a life time supply of batteries and keep things interesting by buying new toys because I just don't have the patience for it anymore. Why can't I attract a decent guy? I think I'm a really nice person and funny. I think it's the fact that I'm taking care of me and mine and a worthless dude looks at me and is like. She wants to take care of me. HELL THE FUCK NO!!!! I want a guy to stand beside me not in front or behind. Right next to me. If you aren't that guy keep to stepping. Anyways I feel better now that I have all that off my chest. One day I will meet the right guy. Until then I'm going to work on me. Keep making myself happy. Keep making myself grow as a women and eventually I'll find a good man. Hopefully I won't be like really old by the time that happens. I'm just going to enjoy my kids, family, and friends. Everything else will fall into place when the time is right.

Single Mother Woes

I took Reggie to Columbus speech and hearing center today. He was getting evaluated by the speech therapist to see if he needs help with his talking. It was an excruciating hour. Getting my son to sit down and pay attention is like pulling fingernails off one by one. Not the painful part but the slow part. My son can't sit still even if his very life depended on it. It's mine and his father's fault he got the ADHD. That's another story. So anyways I was completely amazed at how patient she was in dealing with Reggie. I would give my left titty to have that kind of patience. Reggie kept on standing up and trying to grab at different toys. She just stuck with it and gave him little breaks. I hope he will have teachers that patient when he goes to school.
That probably wont happen. I remember what my teachers where like.

He had to look at various pictures and say what they where and she looked at how he was saying the words. She didn't even try to do the second test. She knew he wasn't going to make it. So afterwards he gets to play with whatever toys and she scores his test. Of course he needed it. He can say the words but she wasn't sure if he was connecting the words to their meaning. As far as sentences she said he was like 25% intelligible. I believe that. One day it took me five minutes for me to understand that he was asking for yogurt. I'm for real. There are a whole lot of times I have no idea what my son is trying to tell me. I be like o.k. baby now move out from in front of the t.v.

Then she starts discussing about the therapy sessions. They are only 30 minutes long. That ain't to bad. Then she tells me one of the worst things you can tell a single mother who works a minimum wage hourly position. He needs to come twice a week. TWICE A WEEK!!!! What is the big deal? Well for starters the anxiety I instantly feel about having to go to my boss to ask her to give me time twice a week to take him. I asked if it had to be me that brought him. They said no so that helps allot. I could have mom or grandma take him. I talked to my boss and she immediately started in about how she wouldn't be able to do it every week or whatever. I didn't get upset because I knew she could always count on me and I always make it work even if it seems impossible. When it comes to work I get there no matter what. It takes an act of congress to keep from going. So she gave me two days out of the week and a time that I could give them to make the appointments.

Now all I have to worry about is if it's going to cut into my hours. I already don't get that many hours. I'm just making it. I get enough hours to pay the bills. I know awesome right. It's times like these that I hate being a single parent because I feel like I'm ripping my kids off. They deserve a mother and father who is there for them. They deserve to have whatever they need or want. I can't always do that. I know that I have to do the best I can for them. I will show them and tell them everyday how much I love them. I wish I could give them the world. As a mom who has to do what's right for my kids I'm just going to have to suck it up and make it work. I will too. I'm lucky to have a strong family support system.

For all those single women out there taking care of your kids on your own with no family support I commend you. I have no idea how I would of made it. You are a very strong women and should tell yourself that everyday as you look in the mirror getting ready. YOU ARE AMAZING!!! Don't ever forget that. You give me hope. A good mother does what she can's for her kids. That is exactly what I'm going to do and whatever happens I will make it work. All that matters is that my boys receives whatever care he needs to be successful in life.