Don't Promise Me Forever

So I had waited two years after my divorce before I dated someone. This someone somehow had broken through that wall. Just busted right through. I think it was because he wasn't completely available but what I needed at the time. After 5 months it was time for us to actually be together like do stuff and all that. He told me the usual that he loved me and couldn't wait to show me and blah blah blah. Well when push came to shove he was non existent. The only time he wanted me was when he was home alone and feeling all lonely and shit then it was convenient to have me around. I'm so tired of these motherfuckers who don't know what the fuck they want. You don't need to promise me forever. Don't tell me things just because you think that is what I need to hear. It makes it all the more worse. Your a horrible person in my eyes for leading me on in the first place claiming to feel a way that you don't. This is the number one reason I don't wanna bring any men around my kids because they so damn fickle how fucked up would it be to bring them around and then they leave. I'm only 26 years old but I feel like I'm 36. I'm tired. It will probably be another 2 years or longer before i date anyone again because I'm tired of the bullshit, lies, and false promises these fuckers make. What I want is a man who is all about family. Someone who wants to chill at home and watch my shows with me. Someone who will put in a relationship on their face book. Someone who proudly shows me off and claims meand tells everyone that i'm his girl. If i can't find that then I'm not settling. I'm always the one to compromise and be understanding and supportive and never get that in return. Not anymore. I'm done. I'm sure there are plenty of good guys out there but I have not found one and if I do he will have the patience to know that he will have to prove with his actions and not with his words. Words are shit. They don't mean a damn thing to me. Why is it all these guys don't know what they want? I know what I want. I want to settle down. I'm done partying I just wanna settle down and make a future with someone full of love and family. I just want someone to be there for me like I would be there for them. One day maybe I will find that, but I'm not looking for that one man anymore. I'm done. Don't promise me forever. Don't tell me what you want to do. All I ask is show me and prove to me. I wanna see actions. Actions speak louder than words.

Betsy is Bigger than Betty

There is something that has been bothering me lately. It's really common especially in women that have breastfed at one point. My left breast is larger than my right. I know TMI. Well i'm sorry it's bothering the crap out of me. It used to be slightly. My cleavage wouldn't be quite centered but since i've started losing weight it's extremely noticeable. I mean I was on the treadmil and I happen to look down and I was like HOLY SHIT. Even in a sports bra I can tell. The body is such a mysterious thing to me and only 3 years ago I had that perfect body. I woudn't of mind being in playboy but now after I've had kids. Damn they reak havoc on your body. If I was famous and had the money I would look like them famous bitches who look like they had surrogates for their babies. Men you really need to appreciate your moms and the mother's of your children because of everything we go through to have you and your babies for real. All yall gotta do is the fun stuff like making the baby. We are the ones that gotta have them bake in our oven for 9 months and then squeeze out a baby the size of a watermelon out our vag. Not to mention being ripped whole to whole. I like to see yall do that. I didn't have no small ass babies either. Mine were well done. They were 10 pounders baby. Thank god for anesthesioligists for real. I told the last one I had I loved him. Anyways I just wanted to share that frustration with yall. I mean what is up with that. When I loose weight the first place to go is my face. My face instantly slims down. Then it's my boobs. Which kind of sucks cause I love my big boobs. Then my ass which is great but i wish it didn't start by getting flatter haha. then finnaly my hips and thighs. I'm so ready to lose these ham hocks. You wont beleive how hard it is to find a decent pair of jeans. I fuss at my daddy all the time because it's his fault I have big thighs. So alot of people have already noticed my face and I've noticed my bust and everyone has noticed my shrinking lower body. It's all good. One day I will marry a doc or lawyer or someone with lots of money so I can get my porn star boobs and everything else I want done. I will have win them over with my southern charms and infectious laugh. HAHAHAAHAHAH yeah right I know. A girl can dream can't she. SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE FEMALES WITH LOPSIDED BOOBS I FEEL YOUR PAIN!!! Holla

My Greatest Fear About Going To The Gym

I'm ready to start my work out. I walk up to where all the machines are. I can smell sweat but it's not that stinky sweat smell. It's that new sweat smell full of pheromones you know. Maybe it's in my head. I scan the area. Can they tell that I'm not a regular? Are they judging me? It doesn't matter. I'm not here to look cute and it doesn't matter what they think I'm just here to get my sweat on. I never do the bikes It doesn't feel like working out to me. Too easy. It's either the elliptical or the treadmill. I think today is going to be a treadmill type of day. Unfortunately so it is for everyone else. There is one left though. OMG!!! It's right in between two really hot guys. O.k. Let's think about this. Do I really wanna make a fool of myself in front of them. I look at the elliptical and the last two just got taken. Treadmill it is. I don't pay the guys any attention. I'm shy believe it or not and usually run away or ignore or say something really dumb when a fine ass dude trys to holla. I know stupid right. Oh well what can I say I'm complicated.

So I step up on there. I check in on facebook on my phone because even though ain't nobody give a damn where I'm at I'm a facebook junky. I must document everything. After that I bring up my Pandora to listen to something upbeat. Something that is going to motivate the crap out of me. I usually start off with Kesha. I love her. I immediately start stepping it out. I'm silently mouthing out the words. My heart rate is going up. I'm sweating. I'm feeling really good. It's starting to burn in my legs. I'm moving effortlessly with the beat. I start to move my hips for that extra little something because my fave song is on. I'm bouncing with each step. I love to dance and It takes everything to keep from dancing on that treadmill. I need to be careful before I...OMG!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!

The most horribly embarrassing thing in the whole world that could possibly happen to me is happening. Time seems to slow down to add to my torment. I stepped wrong. Instant pain is shooting up from my ankle. I let out a cry as I'm slowly going down. My arms reach out trying to grab onto something. Anything to keep this from happening. I don't think I could ever show my face again if I don't stop this. But to no avail I cannot stop it. I'm going down. Hard too and as soon as I lost my footing and was falling I feel that I'm being shot back because I couldn't pull the emergency stop in time. The two hot guys rush to my side. Asking if I was alright. Helping me up. Everyone is staring at me. I tell them I'm fine and hurriedly grabbed my stuff and got the hell out of there.

No this did not really happen to me, but it is a huge fear every time I get on there. I would not be able to recover from that at all. I always seem to embarrass myself at anything I do. I laugh it off only because that's all I can do really. I remember one time while I was at Basic Training I had to do sit ups with this guy I thought was so cute. He had to hold my ankles. Well when I sat up I farted. He jumped up and was like " I'm not holding her ankles!! She is farting on me!!! Everyone was laughing their asses off while I just sat there. My Drill Sergeant of course made him keep holding my ankles and so he pulled his shirt covering his nose. I was like OMG like you have never farted before. I think I pretty much ruined all chances with that dude. But falling on the treadmill in front of a whole lot of people would be really embarrassing. I really hope that doesn't happen to me. I don't wanna have to go to a different gym.

A Better Mom

Sometimes I feel like the most horrible mom in the world. I look at other women who seem to have unlimited patience with their children. When Reggie has an especially little monster day, I have to stop and breath. He is so hard headed it blows my mind. I feel bad that I don't play with them enough. I get home from work and all I wanna do is feed them and turn on the t.v. Even when I'm off and I don't wanna do anything but sit around. It makes me feel so guilty. Today I went to McDonalds and got us grilled chicken salads for dinner and we watched some Spongebob. Then it was bath time so I scrubbed them down and let them play for awhile in the tub. Preston I could tell was getting sleepy. I dried them up and got them dressed then Reggie and Preston starts emptying out their toy bucket. It's so cute. Reggie gave me a truck and told me it was my car. I watched them take every one of their toys out of the tub. Then Preston climbed in. Too cute. Then I had them put all the toys they took out back. Reggie picked out the bed time story. It was one of those books that have different textures to touch for different animals. Preston did not like it at all. He didn't wanna touch anything. He acted like he was scared. Then I let Reggie read the book and I took Preston to put him to bed and he was holding onto me with all his might. He gives such great hugs. You just feel the love and it grows to where I feel like I can't even take it. It literally breaks my heart every time I have to let go. Then I tell Reggie it's time to get ready for bed so he gets his car and I cover him up with his blankets and I give him and his car a kiss goodnight. Reggie gives me lots of kisses and tells me he loves me everyday all the time. I tell him come give me some loving and he will let out a sigh and then he is like O.K. mommy. These moments make my heart just wanna burst. I just wanna do anything for them. I just want the world for them. I want them to know I love them more than there are stars in the galaxies. It blows my mind that I'm a mom and it scares me too because I want to make sure I'm a good mom. The days when I'm so tired from work or when my patience is thin kills me. One thing about working out has helped me have allot more energy for them. I just gotta take it one day at a time. I gotta remember to stop and appreciate my kids more. They wont be little forever. I mean Reggie is already jumping off of things and Preston is mimicking him. I can't believe they came out of me. I know I will never be a perfect mom but I know my boys will know their momma loves them more than anything in the world.

Lifestyle Change

So I have been dieting and exercising like a crazy person. I've joined this site called myfitnesspal.com because it had an app on my phone so I could track the exercise and everything I eat. It has helped a whole lot. On there they don't call it dieting or anything they prefer to call it a lifestyle change. I think that is appropriate because after I lose the weight the real trick would be to keep it off. People think I'm pushing myself to hard at the gym and I'm not eating which is not true at all. I eat. I love to eat I'm just careful about what goes into my mouth. The website help me look at food a whole other way. I look at food now and I'm like do I want all those calories. It's crazy. I have no idea where this sudden motivation came from. I woke up and I said when I get my tax money I'm going to see the diet doctor. After I dropped the money it took for me to jump start my "lifestyle change" I was like I will not have wasted my money. I'm going to stick with it. I have too. I've found that I don't have to have my afternoon naps anymore. I am more up beat and ready to go. My mood is even perkier if you can even imagine me perkier. I just feel good. I love clothes and dressing up and being overweight makes it really hard. I used to love shopping at aeropostle and american eagle and forever 21 but I couldn't after I gained the weight from having my two kids. Now I'm determined to go back to my favorites shops. I wanna look like the M.I.L.F that I feel like. My poor daddy. When I lose the weight I'm going to have everything hanging out again ha ha. He is going to be like you are a mom you can't be dressing like that. Oh well. After I lose the weight I'm going to save for a tummy tuck. Then when I marry a plastic surgeon I can get the porn star boobs I've always wanted ha ha. I say if your getting fake boobs why not go all the way. Until then I'm just going to continue to reach my short term goals until I finally reach my long term one and maintain. I'm trying to lose 50lbs and I've already lost 23lbs. YEY wish me luck

OMG ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!!

Here is another POF (Plenty Of Fish) story for ya. I really need to delete my profile because there is absolutely no hope online or anywhere for that matter. It's soooo frustrating. I keep trying to tell myself not all men are liars but they really make it hard for me. They really do. So my girlfriend has a profile on there too. Occasionally we get messages from the same guys. Well actually that happens allot. Sometimes I get messaged by a guy she has already been talking to. Well I got a message from a guy that she has been talking to. No one serious but she did at one time think of maybe pursuing something with him but she hadn't heard from him for like weeks then all of a sudden she got a text from him today. Then tonight I got a message from him on POF. I immediately tell my girlfriend and message the guy and I was like Hey your name is Shannon right? He was like yeah do I know you? I said no but you know my best friend. He was like who might that be. I said she is a redheaded smart ass. He said he knew allot of red heads. I'm like OMG are you seriously gonna act dumb whatever. He was like for real. I told him her name and he said he didn't know a girl by that name. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!! You have no idea how much that pissed me off. He didn't have to lie to me. I would appreciated it if he had more balls than to straight up lie to my face. Fucking dumbass. I said do not message me again I have zero tolerance for liars. He was like I'm sorry you feel that way have a good night. WHAT THE FUCK EVER LIAR!!! I bet he is one of those motherfuckers that lie all the time. They don't know how to be truthful because that is all they do. I really hate when  a dude lies about something soooo stupid and there really was no reason to lie at all. My ex husband use to do that. Just straight up lie to my face knowing that I know the truth. It kills me. Makes me wanna slap the shit out of someone. DO I LOOK THAT FUCKING DUMB YOU MUTHAFUCKA!!!! Really that's how that makes me feel. Like I look like a complete dumbass. You know what imma just have to be single for the rest of my life. Either that or be a lesbian. I don't think that's going to work. Maybe men should be kept like animals. We use them for breeding and entertainment but other than that they are herded up like cattle and only brought out when needed. Like when the trash needs to be taken out. Or when the car needs and oil change or washed. Or when there is a bug to kill. Shit like that. That's all they are good for. Daddy if you are reading this don't get all offended you are not in this category. You are daddy you are in a category all by yourself. All the decent dudes that are out there. And there are few of you out there you don't fall into this category either. So quit tripping but all you other motherfuckers know who you are. You do. Don't act like you don't. Yall ain't no good for nothing. You have no morals or values. Can't keep a job have no place of your own and not even a car. Don't take care of your kids and keep making new ones with dumbass girls who believe your lies. I'm just gonna have to to get a life time supply of batteries and keep things interesting by buying new toys because I just don't have the patience for it anymore. Why can't I attract a decent guy? I think I'm a really nice person and funny. I think it's the fact that I'm taking care of me and mine and a worthless dude looks at me and is like. She wants to take care of me. HELL THE FUCK NO!!!! I want a guy to stand beside me not in front or behind. Right next to me. If you aren't that guy keep to stepping. Anyways I feel better now that I have all that off my chest. One day I will meet the right guy. Until then I'm going to work on me. Keep making myself happy. Keep making myself grow as a women and eventually I'll find a good man. Hopefully I won't be like really old by the time that happens. I'm just going to enjoy my kids, family, and friends. Everything else will fall into place when the time is right.

Single Mother Woes

I took Reggie to Columbus speech and hearing center today. He was getting evaluated by the speech therapist to see if he needs help with his talking. It was an excruciating hour. Getting my son to sit down and pay attention is like pulling fingernails off one by one. Not the painful part but the slow part. My son can't sit still even if his very life depended on it. It's mine and his father's fault he got the ADHD. That's another story. So anyways I was completely amazed at how patient she was in dealing with Reggie. I would give my left titty to have that kind of patience. Reggie kept on standing up and trying to grab at different toys. She just stuck with it and gave him little breaks. I hope he will have teachers that patient when he goes to school.
That probably wont happen. I remember what my teachers where like.

He had to look at various pictures and say what they where and she looked at how he was saying the words. She didn't even try to do the second test. She knew he wasn't going to make it. So afterwards he gets to play with whatever toys and she scores his test. Of course he needed it. He can say the words but she wasn't sure if he was connecting the words to their meaning. As far as sentences she said he was like 25% intelligible. I believe that. One day it took me five minutes for me to understand that he was asking for yogurt. I'm for real. There are a whole lot of times I have no idea what my son is trying to tell me. I be like o.k. baby now move out from in front of the t.v.

Then she starts discussing about the therapy sessions. They are only 30 minutes long. That ain't to bad. Then she tells me one of the worst things you can tell a single mother who works a minimum wage hourly position. He needs to come twice a week. TWICE A WEEK!!!! What is the big deal? Well for starters the anxiety I instantly feel about having to go to my boss to ask her to give me time twice a week to take him. I asked if it had to be me that brought him. They said no so that helps allot. I could have mom or grandma take him. I talked to my boss and she immediately started in about how she wouldn't be able to do it every week or whatever. I didn't get upset because I knew she could always count on me and I always make it work even if it seems impossible. When it comes to work I get there no matter what. It takes an act of congress to keep from going. So she gave me two days out of the week and a time that I could give them to make the appointments.

Now all I have to worry about is if it's going to cut into my hours. I already don't get that many hours. I'm just making it. I get enough hours to pay the bills. I know awesome right. It's times like these that I hate being a single parent because I feel like I'm ripping my kids off. They deserve a mother and father who is there for them. They deserve to have whatever they need or want. I can't always do that. I know that I have to do the best I can for them. I will show them and tell them everyday how much I love them. I wish I could give them the world. As a mom who has to do what's right for my kids I'm just going to have to suck it up and make it work. I will too. I'm lucky to have a strong family support system.

For all those single women out there taking care of your kids on your own with no family support I commend you. I have no idea how I would of made it. You are a very strong women and should tell yourself that everyday as you look in the mirror getting ready. YOU ARE AMAZING!!! Don't ever forget that. You give me hope. A good mother does what she can's for her kids. That is exactly what I'm going to do and whatever happens I will make it work. All that matters is that my boys receives whatever care he needs to be successful in life.

Diet Doc Visit

So for the past two weeks I was on a strictly liquid diet. They gave me these pro cal shakes. They don't taste bad to me. I got chocolate, vanilla, and cappuccino. It was really hard. You can't drink anything other than water. I had a headache for almost the whole two weeks. I love sweet tea and that was the hardest for me to give up. So I have been doing that and my two weeks was up yesterday and I went in for my follow up today. I lost a total of 13lbs. That's great right. I was a little bit disappointed. I was hoping for 20lbs. My mom was saying that I wasn't being realistic. The diet Doctor (Dr. Jan Mcbarron) said that those were great results. I basically lost like a 1lb a day. In conjunction with the shakes I was taking the appetite suppressants and vitamins and the B12 shots. So with all that I lost 13lbs. I didn't work out at all either. So I'm starting to be happy with it.

So after they weighed me the diet Dr came in to discuss the blood results from the blood they took before I started my diet so she can see what other help I might need. All my blood work came back great. My thyroid, minerals and all that was good to go but she said that I'm eating more meat than vegetables and that is making me predisposed to gout. Which is a form of authorities. I didn't argue with that because I love my meat. I LOVE IT!! So she said I needed to cut down on meat and eat more veggies. then It was time to discuss whether I was going to continue on the liquid or move to the solids. I had originally decided upon entering the place that I was gonna go back to solids. After talking with her and she gave me a list of things I can still eat on the liquid diet I decided to continue on the liquid so I can get the maximum results quicker. I told her that I had two Eggo's for breakfast and one of those meat cheese and crackers lunchables how many shake should I drink for tonight. She told me I still had to drink five shakes. I have to drink five shakes and I can eat something from the list that she gave me. Not too bad I don't think. I got more shots, more pills, more shakes and more motivation.

So with all that and me joining the YMCA hopefully by tomorrow I am sure I will reach my goal of losing 53lbs. That will bring me back to pre army weight. I will be happy to reach that. I know I cannot possibly get the body I had before I had my kids but if I can get back to what I was before the army which wasn't too bad at all I would be soo happy. The only sucky thing about losing weight is I'm going to lose my big boobies. Oh well at least it will be easier for me to find a bra. Wish me luck.

I Am Not Broken

O.K. so I was talking to another guy I met online from where else but Plenty Of  Fish. I know I know you are like what do you expect. Hell it's hard out there to meet people. Especially when all you do is work and come home and take care of your kids. The people I meet everyday are only in town for a little while. Anyways he has been trying to meet me for some time and I kept blowing off. I didn't like his aggressiveness. Like why does this dude wanna see me so bad. He would say stuff like don't let the men from your past keep you from opening up and some other bullshit. That instantly irritates me. I'm not letting the men from my past ruin my chances for relationships in the future. I'm sorry if your words aren't enough for me. Just because you say I'm pretty, I'm smart and all that other CRAP that dudes say to try to make you feel special isn't enough for me. I need something of substance. I need actions. My past only makes me more cautious and more aware of signs that back in the day I would of ignored. You are saying I'm some broken down woman that has been used up by fucked up dudes. No that is not me. I have made a mistake in the relationships I have had in the past. I know how it is now. I know the games the bullshit that comes out of their mouths and it does not impress me. That's not what I'm looking for. I don't wanna play the games. I'm not looking for a dude to make me feel pretty and special because you know what. I already know I'm fine as hell. Bad men out there love to prey on woman with low self esteem and no self worth. That is not me and that is what that sounds like to me what he thinks I am. Like I have some sign on my forehead saying I'm a desperate single mother who is looking for any man to love me. Hell no. I refuse to be that woman. It's like the guys out there are lost. They don't know what they want in their lives or relationships. They say they only want something casual and then wanna get their feelings hurt when you don't entertain the idea of it being more than that. If I'm interested in you, I won't play any games. I will let you know exactly how I feel and what I think. If you are doing something that I don't understand I will ask you right when it is happening and that's all that I want in return. I don't trust a dude who is acting like he is in love with me and he has only known me for a month, I'm not trusting a dude who immediately wants to meet my kids. That is a huge no go. The only man I will have around my kids will be one that is going to be sticking around. If he is too good to be true HE IS! Whoever I decide to bring into my world will be brought into my boys world so I'm sorry if I'm a little bit picky about who I want around them. I'm not trusting a man who says they wanna help me and pay my bills. What the fuck! Dude I don't want you to pay my bills. I had let my self become completely dependent on a man and that didn't get me no where and that will not happen again. I'm not going to be stuck with someone because they pay some bills. It's amazing how many woman are in that situation. It's absolutely crazy to me. That is not living. I wanna be with someone that supports me emotionally not financially.

I had gotten contacted by and old high school crush. He found me on facebook. So I talk to him for a couple of weeks. Not talking about dating each other or anything. Just talking about how high school used to be. Then he is like asking me questions about the area I live in and what are jobs like out here. He asked what my rent was like and how much utilities were. Then he says he had a question for me. I was like are you going to ask to move in with me. He was like I wanna help you. What the fuck. No way this dude isn't for real. I told him no of course and I never heard from him again and then a few months later another old high school love started acting the same way. I immediately right off the bat and told him if he was trying to move in with me that was not happening. It's like they look on my facebook and although my pictures show me happy and my status updates to me does not show signs of being desperate that's what they see. It's so insane to me.

It seems to me that dating is even harder than I thought it was going to be. I may be a little picky. Men just seem sorry with no jobs or cars or their own place. I know the economy is bad but I'm making it and I have kids. A single guy with no kids can't make it out there? I'm not your income, your place for you to crash, or a taxi driver. So to men all over, do not waste my time with your lame ass games. I can see right through it. I do not have low self worth and self esteem. I am not desperate and I am not broken.

Food Hangover

I'm on here feeling miserable as can be. I have been on a liquid diet. Only thing I could eat were these shakes and the only they I could drink was water. Well my diet ends today. So yesterday While we was out and about we stopped at Applebees. I was like I'm just going to drink water and stop eating when I feel full. Simple right. Stopping when your full. That was a problem for me when something tasted so good. Anyways I ordered ribets and chicken strips basket. It was very good and I stopped when I was full. I finally get home and it's late so I immediately go to bed because I'm having to get up super early. I was asleep for maybe an hour when I woke up from a nightmare. I kept seeing flashes of what I ate and it was making me sick. When I woke up I still felt sick. I wanted to puke my brains out but I refused to do so because who knew how long I would be retching my insides. I took a tums for all the burping. I didn't get a lick of sleep last night. I'm at work exhausted. I also feel so sick to my stomach there is no way I can even think about food. I feel like I do when I'm hungover after a night of partying. Absolutely miserable. dieting sucks. Every time I close my eyes and image of the dinner I ate last night flashes in my brain and it makes me even more sick. Have y'all heard of lady gagas diet? She is on the drunk diet. I looked it up thinking it couldn't possible mean what its called but it does. I couldn't do that diet. First I have kids. Second I don't think being an alcoholic is attractive. I find that the B12 shots and diet pills that I get from the diet doctor do great. If only I would just work out and eat right. I'm getting the eat right part kind of down. I love food. I love to cook it, smell it, and eat it. I thought about doing weight watchers. I like the whole portion control and point system. I'm going to join the YMCA but I've been waiting on the discount form from work. I wonder if I'm using it as an excuse. Well today I'm going to get that form and I'm going to the gym Wednesday. No ifs ands or buts about it. I've lost 15lbs on the liquid diet but it's time for me to move back to solids. I miss meat too much. Until then I'll just be hungover from my tiny little splurge the night before boo.

Daddy Date Night

Last night I had date night with daddy. We have been doing this since as long as I can remember. I would get all dressed up. Sometimes we would have dinner but date night was always a movie. When we lived in New York the movie theater was attached to the mall. So we would go early and he would take me to Claire's to pick out anything I wanted. I always cherished those moments. We talk about everything. I don't think allot of daddy's who have daughters realize how important a role they have in their lives. Daddy's show you how a woman is to be treated.

We headed to dinner after dropping the boys of  with their father. I told him that I was going to treat him to dinner and a movie. I ask him what he wanted to eat. He tells me what do I wanna eat. Of course I pick Chili's. I don't know why but I've been craving those chicken club tacos. They are awesome. Daddy is really particular about where he eats. He doesn't like surprises. He wants to go somewhere he knows he likes the food. You know what he told me when I said chili's. He was like I don't know about that. I'm not sure they have what I like. Which for daddy is ribs and fried shrimp which all places like that pretty much have. I was like you have never ate there before? He says the last time he was there was 89. Um that's crazy as hell hahaha. I told daddy that he needed to break out of the norm and experiment. So we ate at Chili's. They said it was a 20 minute wait but we only had to wait less than 5 and it was packed. Our waitress was great. She accidentally dropped part of daddy's ribs and was scared he was going to yell at her but it was no big deal at all. So we are sitting there eating and I notice the older black woman staring holes in me in the booth behind daddy. This is not new to me. People don't realize he is my father when we go out so when  black woman see me with him I get dirty looks. Funny huh. They look so dumb. I like to stare back and smile. I wish one would say something to me so I can tell them how retarded they are. We finished our meal and payed the check and head to the movie.

We get to the movie theater at like 8pm. Daddy usually hates going to the movies during this time on a Saturday night because of all the obnoxious teeny boppers running around and they usually ruin a movie with their loud mouths and belligerent attitudes. He already warned me if they start tripping in the theater we were getting our money back and leaving. I remember one time these two boys were sitting next to him and he turned to them and said " Eh shut the fuck up". Such a short sentence but they immediately shut up. I love it. He always drops me off at the door and then go parks. I got the tickets and we still had like and hour before the movie was to start so we walked across the parking lot to Wendy's for a frosty and to chill. Blocking the door were all these teeny boppers. God it's so annoying. Why the fuck are you going to just stand in the fucking doorway. I mean get the hell out of the way. Shit like that irks the hell out of me. At any rate none of them were rude or anything. Just didn't have enough manners to move out of the way. We get back and we get the perfect seats. We like to sit a little high up and in the middle. Perfect spot. I look around and I think it's going to be alright not too many people in there. I was thinking the majority of the kids would be seeing the new big momma movie. As soon as I thought that big groups of teens starting coming in. Being all loud and everything. I was like crap I really don't wanna leave. We gave them the benefit of a doubt and stayed. The movie starts. We were there to see I am number four. Which was an awesome movie I might add. In the beginning of the movie some little shits started using their laser pointers on the screen. OMG that is some old shit. I mean who does that anymore. I can tell daddy is getting irritated. Some dude yells out " stop shooting the laser faggot". Ya ll should of heard the way he said that it was so funny. Everyone was laughing. Then they say something smart and get all loud and I'm like damn why wont they shut the fuck up. Thankfully security came and no one did anything the rest of the movie. Besides all that we thoroughly enjoyed the film. I really recommend everyone to go check it out.

In describing that night it doesn't seem like anything special does it. I have so many memories of going to the movies with my daddy. Those are a few of the memories I cherish. If you have a little girl, take her out. Show her how she is to be treated. You will get to know the person she is. In one night you will be building a lasting bond with your child. Whether its for mothers and daughters, fathers and daughters, mothers and sons, or fathers and their sons, it's important to take the time out or your day or week and just be with your kids. They appreciate those moments. I know when my boys get old enough. They will be taking their momma to dinner and a movie. As I cherished those daddy dates, I will cherish the dates with my sons. Spend time with your children, they wont be children for very long.

PARANOIA

I wanna tell you a  tale about how paranoid I used to be that daddy was some were watching whenever I was doing something bad. When I was a senior in high school I started dating one of my daddy's.marines. Daddy condoned it I was 18 at the time. He said that I was never to go to the barracks. NEVER. Of course I didn't listen to him. I used to hangout with him a bunch over there. Well one afternoon after I had hung out with him it was time for me to leave. So he walks me down to my car and I go to start the car and it won't start. I'm instantly in panic mode because daddy is going to kill me for even being in the barracks parking lot. My boyfriend at the time tells me to calm down and pop the hood. He takes a look around and I'm sitting there wondering what the fuck is going on. He says he found exactly what was the problem and to come take a look. I go and it was a sparks plug I think. It wasn't attached to the thingy. It looked to me like someone had just pulled it off. I immediately start looking around. I kept saying  HE KNOWS HE KNOWS HE IS WATCHING US NOW!!! My boyfriend was like calm down. What are you talking about? I said HE KNOWS I'M HERE AND HE DID THIS TO THE CAR! He was like no way. I was so sure that daddy was just gonna stroll right up. I was terrified. He never showed up and it turned out that it just came loose on its own. We jerry rigged it on and went to autozone so he could fix it. Even though daddy never showed up I was still convinced that daddy had something to do with it. I had sooo much anxiety driving home. I was just waiting for him to be there ready to yell at me and god knows what else. I got home and everything was fine. Daddy was normal. Nobody said anything. I went to my room and breathed a sigh of relief. He hadn't known after all. I still always looked over my shoulder though. It doesn't matter how old I get I still have that paranoia. When daddy found out I was smoking he raised his hand like he was going to slap me. I was like OMG I'm 25 years old and daddy is about to slap the shit out of me. He didn't he told me to leave and didn't talk to me for 3 months. Daddy put the fear of god in me when I was growing up. I think that is the reason why I never did anything crazy like drinking, drugs, or skipped school. Not to mention daddy had his spies. I am thankful for the strictness of my parents and I hope I will be strong enough for my own kids to make sure that they stay on the correct path.

Is This In The Parenting Handbook?

My son knocked down and totally destroyed my bookcase last night while my mom was babysitting. Sometimes that boy makes me sooooooo mad. I mean I'm at boiling point. At the same time he will say "I love you mommy". As soon as that comes out his mouth and I look deep in those brown eyes and I know I couldn't imagine it any other way. Anyways I was thinking about how I deal with certain situations with my son. I can be a bit unorthodox.

One circumstance sticks out in my head a whole lot. I was driving either to Kansas from Georgia or from Georgia to Kansas. I don't know but we were on the road. It was while my ex husband was deployed so it was just me and Reggie. He was going through a stage of screaming when ever we drove somewhere. He was so loud and persistent. I gave him crackers, his bottle, and even pulled over and checked his diaper. Nothing was working. I turn the music up to drown him out. I'm usually pretty good at zoning out but he was just not having it. As each excruciating mile went by I was slowly losing my mind. I just didn't know what to do to get him to be quiet. To just stop screaming. Then I did the only thing I could think of. I turned the radio off. I gripped the steering wheel and I screamed as loud as I could. At the very top of my lungs. OMG! It was so freeing of all that tension. I immediately felt relieved. Then I realized I didn't hear Reggie anymore. I look back at him and he is looking at me like I was a crazy person. See momma can scream too I told him. I never again had an issue with him screaming.

Another one happened more recently. I've been trying my hardest to potty train Reggie. He goes pee pee in the potty but he just wont poo poo in there. I don't know what is up with that. One day as soon as I get home I put Preston in the highchair with his dinner and put Reggie on the potty. He sat there for 30 minutes and nothing would happen. He always poos after he comes home from daycare. I tell Reggie he gets two pieces of candy if he goes poo in the potty. He is steadily telling me that he can't do it. I made grunting noises and faces trying to get him to poo. Still he wouldn't. I told him he couldn't eat dinner till he poo in the potty. Still nothing. It had been awhile so I decided to let him go eat his dinner. There was a catch though. He could not wear any underwear or pull ups or pants. Also he was not allowed to sit down. I had him standing at his little cars table eating his dinner with is butt hanging out. I didn't want him sneaking a poopy past me. I could see exactly what was going on. After he ate I put him back on the potty. We sat there forever again. I even pulled up YouTube on my phone and showed videos about using the potty. Nothing worked. I finally gave up and put him to bed. Just another battle I've lost.

Should of seen him standing there eating with no pants or pull up on. He kept saying he was cold. I told him oh well. You should of poo poo in the potty. they don't hand you a handbook when you leave the hospital with your baby.You just do the best that you can following the examples of your parents and with your own maternal instincts. I believe the most important thing is that your kids know that they are loved and somehow you will survive parenthood.

The Cons of Living Near Your Parents

I'd like to tell y'all a mortifying experience I had not too long ago. Extremely embarrassing. I called my sister up as soon as it happen and said what would be the most embarrassing thing that could happen to you while being intimate with your husband? She said shit on yourself. Well although that is pretty embarrassing and not to mention nasty, that is not what happened. IT WAS WORSE! Anyways everyone needs a laugh and this one will make you laugh.

So I was having my "friend" come over one night. No one special he just comes over when I call and spends a little time with me. I tell him to come over around 9. Usually I wait till 10 to be sure my parents aren't going to be just dropping by but there was nothing going on so I didn't think nothing of it. I take a shower get all dolled up excited about him coming over. He texts me stating that he is here so I put my phone on silent. So as not to be rude. We talk and hangout and what not. We were together for awhile then it was time for him to leave. I walk him to the door tell him goodnight and drive safely and blah blah whatever and then I grab a snack and sit my butt on the couch and watch some t.v. I just started relaxing when I thought I heard something moving at the back of the house. I was like no way I'm just tripping. Then all of a sudden there was a man standing in the dinning room door way with a shotgun. OMG! OMG! OMG! As my mind slowly began to process what I was seeing I began to realize that it was my daddy. What the fuck? He was like why didn't you answer the door? I'm like what are you talking about I didn't hear anything. Then he was like what is wrong with your phone you didn't hear it ring? Again I was like no. He said who's car was that out front? That's when it hit me. OMG! HOW LONG WAS HE KNOCKING ON THE DOOR? HOW LONG HAD HE BEEN TRYING TO GET IN? I told him that it was just a friend. He was like who was it, that motherfucker? Referring to my ex husband because my parents have this huge unnecessary fear of me going back to him. I was like no daddy. Trying my hardest to avoid it but he just kept prying for a name. I was like he's my friend Shawn. He was like who is he? I'm like nobody. Then he starts telling me that he had came up here banging on the doors and calling my phone and got worried. He then drove home told momma that he couldn't reach me and said he had a bad feeling, grabbed his shotgun and came back to my house. I had left the back screen door unlocked so he was able to use his key to get in the house and that's when he found me in the living room. He then asks why the guy sneaked out the front? Then I was like omg did he see my dad? I tell daddy he wasn't sneaking out he was just leaving. I really had no idea he was trying to get in. Daddy then chastised me some more for leaving the back screen door unlocked and told me I need to be answering the phone and I don't remember much after that. I immediately was blocking that situation out of my head. Just imagine the questions your asking yourself. What did he hear? Did he try talking to the guy? I don't know. All I know is as soon as the guy went out the door I sat down on the couch and then daddy was there. SO EMBARRASSING! My mom was like you should of locked the screen door. I've slowly recovered from that incident. I've also learned a huge lesson. Always stick to 10 never earlier.

A little update for y'all on the guy. A couple of days later I text the guy to see if he wanted to come over and hangout. He told me he had to work. I was like how bout after work. Then he said he had church. I was like oooookkkkk how about after church unless you just don't wanna see me. He then text me something that said it's not you. You are great. I just want to wait until I'm married to be intimately involved with someone. A friend of mine is doing that so she can avoid any heartbreak and blah blah blah. I did not respond. If he just didn't wanna chill with me anymore that is all he had to say instead of giving me that lame ass excuse that made him sound more like a female then ever. I knew as soon as I found out that he was a cheerleader to leave him alone. Oh well he talked too much anyways. I wonder if he saw my dad and got scared. I'll never know.

"It" Has To Be Done

It's that time of the week again. I dread it every time. Maybe I could skip it this week. I look and I can see that it is not possible. I have to do it now or it won't get done. It's still night morning. It's so dark out except for the single orange security light on the corner of my house. Just past that is darkness. I pick it up from the kitchen. Jesus it's so heavy. I drag it out the back door. It's so quiet. Too quiet. I'm just tripping but I can't help it. After I step outside I check twice to make sure the door is locked. Heaven forbid someone sneaks in the house and waits for me to Finnish what has to be done. That's a huge fear I have every week when it's time. That while I'm getting it done someone who is watching in the shadows creeps in while I'm not looking waiting to overpower me and stab me 18 times then strangle me to death. Yes I watch a little bit too much true crime shows but I feel it helps me learn how to better prepare myself, how to protect myself. I see that the door is indeed locked. I can feel assured in that area but now its time for the scarier part. I must take everything and drag it down the long dirt driveway. I'm in the country so after I past that orange security light its pitch black. I'm walking briskly. It's so heavy slowing me down. The stars are so pretty but it only distracts me for a minute. WHAT WAS THAT!! I swear I saw something in the bushes. Keep walking. Walk faster. Now I'm hearing things. It's just animals but I can't help but think what if. What if it's a serial killer lurking in the shadows waiting to strike. I could almost hear him breathing waiting in the bushes. Snap out of it. I really need to stop watching so many of those shows. There is nothing there. Finally I've reached the end of the driveway and I can leave it there. Oh my god! Did I really lock the door? I know I have. Still the what if creeps in.  My boys are in there looking all cute asleep in their beds. I walk back as fast as I can trying to keep from twisting my ankle on rocks on the driveway. I reach the door and it is locked. I hurriedly unlock it and rush inside and slam the door shut. I double check to make sure I've locked it back up. I breath a sigh of relief. I made it. The boys are safe. I'm alive!

What was the "it" that I was dragging to the end of the driveway? What was the "it" that has to be done every week? Well the trash of course silly. You didn't know how dangerous it is to take out the trash did you. That's the only reason I need a man is to take out my trash every week it's not safe out there for a single mother.

Dogs Can't Change Their Spots

I was talking to a friend of mine. She is an older woman and she had been with her old man for 18 years. He is her second husband. Well her old man just had a baby with another woman. A ghetto one at that. He goes and sees the "baby" everyday. She was talking about how it's been stressing her out to where she can't eat but she loves him. Then something came out of my mouth that made me stop and say to myself where is this advice when I'm going through my own issues. I told her that dogs can't change their spots and people don't change they just learn to lie better. You have to ask yourself are you happy with who he is? Or would you be happier to be with someone that will treat you better? That's the main question isn't it? Even though we try and try we can't change our significant other no matter how hard they try to. You either have to accept them or move on. It's better for the both of you. Like my bestie always says "You only have one life". You shouldn't spend that life trying to change someone. Your love for them isn't enough for the both of you. That person might very well love you too but it is hard to be someone that you are not. I'm not saying it's OK for people to treat people any kind of way I'm just saying don't be surprised every time you find out something that they've done. Especially after being with them so long I'm sure there were warning signs from the very beginning. Once a cheater is usually always a cheater. Not all cases but in the majority. Some people can make a mistake at a moment of weakness and together y'all can grow stronger to rise above it. Some people are always weak and they consistently make the mistake. If you can accept them for who and what they are then who am I to judge you for staying in the relationship. Do what you feel is right for you and makes you happy. It's one of those cases where you can listen to the advise of others but in the end it's going to come down to what you think is right. Personally I couldn't stand the constant lieing and playing detective. I've been through that and only lasted a few months. I just couldn't do it anymore. I had to get out or I would of been on that show snapped. That wasn't healthy for me. It wasn't healthy for my son to see that either. Life will throw us all kinds of challenges in our path for love. Just remember love isn't supposed to hurt.

I've Been Hoodwinked!!!

Omg my sister has been wanting me to write a blog about this experience for a while. It's so embarrassing and it's something straight out of a comedy.

So I've been on this dating site called Plenty of Fish. I started talking to a guy who was a soldier. Living by Fort Benning it's rare if you meet a guy who is not a soldier. Anyways I digress that's a whole other story. We talked online and on the phone for a couple of weeks. He sounded like a nice guy. He sent me a picture of himself and he wasn't bad looking at all. He liked scary movies like I do. So one night I was talking to him on the phone then he had to go because he was going to a party. I called the next day in the morning and it was his roommate that answered his phone. So I'm thinking this is strange. He starts talking to me. Telling me where he is from and how he knows him and what he does. He sounded so cute. He then starts to hit on me. I was like omg what kind of dude macs on their friends chick you know. I wasn't dating the guy so I flirted back and everything. I was like man this dude sounds really cute. I kept asking for him to send me a pic. He kept giving me different excuses. Ladies that's a warning sign. I ignored it because I keep giving people the benefit of a doubt. I like to give them a chance. I am not doing that anymore. So the dude I had been talking to wakes up and I start talking to him and we were joking about how his friend was hitting on me and then he has to start getting dressed so i let him go. His friend starts texting me on his roommates phone and he eventually invites me to breakfast with them. I'm like cool. I'd love to have breakfast with two hot guys. Not to mention a free breakfast anyways. I tell them to give me an hour. I get all dolled up and wear some booty poppin skinny jeans. A cute top that showed some cleavage. I had my hair down and it was a perfect hair day. My makeup was on point. I stand back for one last look and I'm like damn I look good. So I text them stating that I was on my way. Then warning sign number two pops up. He was like are you sure you wanna have breakfast with us? That was his room mate. I'm like what the fuck. Dude do you want me to come or not? I'm thinking they just didn't wanna be stuck having breakfast with me. But the guy I had been talking to was like no no we want you to come he's just worried cause we aren't dressed to impress they just threw something on. I was like OK then I'm on my way. As I'm getting closer to waffle house. I'm getting all excited more because I'm getting a free breakfast and second I'm gonna be hanging out with some hot dudes or so  I thought. He texts me telling me that they are in the back towards the restrooms. I park my car, take one last look at myself and walked in. I turn the corner. I am instantly screaming. OMG OMG OMG. Of course this was all in my head. My outward appearance was warm and friendly with a bright smile on my face. But in my head I was totally freaking out. The guy who was the room mate of the guy I had been talking to had a deformed face. Not extremely but deformed. Like around his mouth. I was like damn you really can't trust a voice over the phone. The guy I had originally been talking to looked normal enough. So in my head I'm thinking am I going to continue to walk towards them and sit with them or am I going to turn around and run. I decided well what the hell I'm here and I'm hungry. I shook their hands and took a seat. I just ordered a waffle with sweet tea to drink. they were drinking coffee and I don't remember what they ate. We made small talk and I could tell that there was something off with his roommate. He was a bit slow it seemed like which blew my mind because I had no idea while I was talking to him on the phone. He sounded completely normal. As we are talking  the guy that I had met online keeps his mouth kind of covered. Warning  sign number three. Then we was talking about something funny and he started laughing and I could then see why exactly he was hiding his mouth. He had some teeth missing in the front. I was like no friggin way! Are you kidding me! So we go to leave. I didn't even hug them. I said thank you for the breakfast. They kept asking me if I wanted to go to their place to watch a movie and I said no I have to get back to my kids. He texted me a couple of times after that but I never responded and he eventually got the hint. On the way home from the awkward experience I made a mental note. Make sure when they send me a headshot I tell them to show me a big toothy smile. No pic equals no date. I hate wasting a hot outfit and a great hair day.

If you have an online dating horror story post a comment so I don't feel alone hahaha

Why I'm O.K. With Being Single On Valentines

Well I've noticed all over facebook people are either so happy with their significant other or they wish they had someone. Personally I wouldn't post to the world how lonely I am. That's just sad and depressing. This year though I'm OK that I'm single. I used to always have to be with someone. I was never single. After my divorce I was so scared to be alone. It scared me more that I wanted to stay in a marriage that wasn't working for the simple fact of not being alone. I would of been more depressed staying. Now looking back at everything that transpired me into getting to this point I see that it was meant to be. I was so young and still am and have yet to learn what kind of woman I am and will continue to grow to be. I love how I can come home, hang up my keys, put away my purse, take my bra off and throw it on the floor, plop my ass on the couch in front of the t.v. I don't have to hear why the house isn't clean. Or when am I going to start cooking dinner. Hell if I don't want to cook I don't have to. I'm enjoying doing things the way I want them done. I'm enjoying being selfish and not having to worry about what my husband or boyfriend wants to do. Basically I'm enjoying the simple fact that I am making myself happy. Don't get me wrong, I would like to find love again. I miss having that deep connection and having your own little world with someone. If it finds me that's great too. I'm just not going to sit around feeling sorry for myself thinking nobody loves me. I know this sound's like such a cliche but I have my kids, family, and friends who were truly there for me at my darkest moments and I know I will be just fine. So my advice to all woman young and old is to find yourself. Find what makes you happy. Find what you wanna do for you. Don't sacrifice the things that will make you happy and help you reach your goals for the love of a man. Sometimes they don't stick around and you are left alone with nothing to pick up the pieces and having to start all the way from the bottom again. If he loves you then he will compromise. Love wouldn't make you give up your dreams so theirs can be fulfilled. Tell your daughters because I think every young woman should know this upon entering the dating world. DISCOVER WHO YOU ARE!!! You might be amazed to find how wonderfuly imperfect and strong you are.